I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
