I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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