I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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