cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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