"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We had sex on a dog bed..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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