well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
