I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
