After last night, I could never be a politician.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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