this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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