took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
