2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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