I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
