I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize