i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
