so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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