My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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