Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Boobs speak an international language.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
