So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
