I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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