How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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