I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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