those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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