that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize