You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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