Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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