Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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