He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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