You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
