rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
