I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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