Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
