i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize