Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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