We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
