Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
