you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
