She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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