i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have so many feelings about this burrito
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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