So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
