I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
