My sheets look like a crime scene.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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