Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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