im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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