tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
