Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
