I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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