so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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