Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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