Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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