Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
