Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
