I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
