We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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