she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
