Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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