Kiss
Puke
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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