now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You ate ashes out of my bong
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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