I'm eating all of the evidence.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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