chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
