how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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