so explain again why im purple
no
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
