please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
